In our society, we grow up with shame from a very early age and I would be pleasantly surprised if we have not heard someone telling us, ‘sharam kero’ (be ashamed) for one thing or another.
We are humiliated and discredited for acts of our parents like an abusive or cheating parent with a comment like, ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ Or embarrassed over looks and body shamed or even something so harmless as social awkwardness with a casual comment like ‘you are an introvert. You must get out there.’ Or shamed for mental health issues like depression or anxiety and calling one as being ‘over sensitive’ or ‘ungrateful’ for life’s blessings.
People are also judged for their lack of achievements with explicit and sometimes implicit comments like ‘Its ok! You can do better.’ Even the trolling people do on social media of celebrities has layers and layers of shame in the name of freedom of speech.
The scary part is that almost all of us will blindly internalise this shame, swallow it whole like a big bite of food without chewing it.
We feel ashamed almost all of our lives for one thing and another, apologetic and compensating for our inadequacies that others make us believe that we have or more importantly is our fault. Our constructive feedback in the name of ‘I only want the best for you’ is others’ need for maybe feeling superior to make up for their own low self esteem or some people have a negative process towards life and they dump their toxicity onto you.
I have carried my own burden of shame for years and years for one thing another. One mild example is that I did not do well in my O levels as I could not for the love of God understand physics and chemistry and I was openly shamed for not scoring any A. I had to redeem myself by striving for years and years of doing exceptionally well in academics and professional life to make up for those damn Bs and Cs. It is still a ritual at every family reunion to crack a few jokes around it. I can laugh now but I was deeply ashamed back then and started to believe that I will never be able to do well in life.
I got lucky. I found a compassionate and deeply insightful mentor who helped me to shake off layers and layers of shame through empathy and authentic understanding of my wounding shame that never belonged to me. I literally feel lighter in an odd way as if a huge burden carried for years has been lifted from my shoulders. In the process I might have become an ‘unapologetic brat’ but it is such an empowered place, that I would not trade it for anything in the world.
Shame is an unconscious emotion that gets manifested in the mind and body through different ways. It will stop the mind from being motivated to endeavour in life, like a giving up stance where you think that, if you have been declared a failure then what’s the point of trying? People don’t want to try anymore and then they are further shamed for not trying hard enough. It’s literally a whirlpool of shame that they are drowning in. It exhibits itself through mental health issues like depression and anxiety, which is natural as you are being forced to believe something that is not true to you.
It will be felt in emotions like distress, worthlessness and sense of powerlessness and a loss of trust in one’s self and potential to self actualise in the world.
Shame is only healthy if you have deliberately hurt another human being like molesting a child or committed a crime or done anything that goes against the moral fabric of the society at large.
Otherwise even if you do not get as lucky as I did by having such a sincere and smart support, look within yourself and layer by layer try to evacuate the ashamed child and the ashamed adult within you and start the journey of unconditionally accepting yourself.