A question I always ask a client in therapy is when she was a child and if something caused her distress, who would she seek comfort from? Some say it’s their mother, father, or an older sibling, and many say that it’s no one. Since becoming a therapist and amongst my personal relations, I observed that an adult who had a safe and stable relationship with her mother as an infant had higher self-esteem and a positive self-view despite any trauma she might have experienced as a child or in her adult life. I imagine that within the psyche, there is a container that needs a mother’s love and must be filled at least to a half mark within childhood. That is enough for that child to steer her way through a life that will have its share of significant traumatic experiences. It’s almost like maternal love is the firm ground the adult discovers as an infant, and from that ground, she can look out towards life and face any challenges that come her way.
One of the most profound theories in psychoanalytic psychology, called the ‘object relations theory,’ maintains that the infant’s relationship with the mother primarily determines personality development, and my experience as a therapist time and again shows evidence of the truth in this theory.
I also believe that those adults who did not feel loved and found safety in their relationship with their mother struggle more in interpersonal relationships. They are more anxious and prone to experiencing depression at some point of time in their adult life. They have a more profound sense of insecurity. Despite their success in their life, the purpose of insecurity in interpersonal relationships is like a tsunami of intolerable feelings that continue to threaten to drown them.
I also feel that even when an adult’s relationship changes for the better with a mother who was either abusive, emotionally unavailable, or negligent in her early years and the mother changes herself and becomes loving and emotionally available, it can improve the relationship. Still, I don’t believe it can compensate for the empty container that needed love in infancy and perhaps will require years for a corrective emotional experience.
An adult who did not experience maternal love will keep running toward others for validation and care; an attempt to start filling herself with love that might even be toxic at times. She will mostly feel needy and vulnerable and give too much power to the other; idealising and believing that the other can rescue the internal anxious child and the adult who needs to know that she matters in this world.
So how does one work through this? There are so many ideas around self-love and I am all for it but I think to love oneself, to be one’s own mirror and see a reflection that smiles back, another mirror that is a loving other, is required. Someone who shows you a version of maternal love that is imagined to be unconditional and a bit of adult care but loving oneself can only be learned once we receive it from someone else. We need another person to make us see ourselves as worthy of consideration, respect, and love.
To all the mothers out there. Love your children. Fill the container within with care and validation. Your child’s mirror is you that tells her that ‘if mama says I am looking good it means I am looking good’. Be your child’s cheerleader. Hear her out. Ask her when she isn’t eating or isn’t her typical chattery self. Ask again. The best investment you can do for her is not just private education and fancy matching outfits. Just your love and attention and the belief that her mother has her back that she can internalise will help her navigate her way through life’s challenges. You are part of your mother’s body for nine months and while the umbilical cord gets cut, the ties of maternal love should remain intact through life’s journey.
Zara Maqbool
The writer is a UK-CPCAB (Counselling and Psycho therapy Awarding Body) certified individual and couple psycho therapist based in Islamabad. She can be reached at zaramaqbool
@yahoo.com
