On my way to Delhi.:) #MarchForIndia #IndiaIsTolerant pic.twitter.com/180VcP3VEE
— Anupam Kher (@AnupamPkher) November 6, 2015
Anupam Kher took on the onerous yolk of spearheading a protest against the intolerance perpetuated by those who are protesting against intolerance. If any of you pseudo-intellectual, elitist, Italian-Verdicchio-sipping Congressi stooges think this is paradoxical, you are clearly not well versed in 'Bhaktism'. You should immediately contact Yogi Adityanath's travel agent and buy a ticket to Pakistan (co-ordinate your dates with Shah Rukh and Arundhati Roy, and you might even get a group discount).
But for the rest of my proudly obtuse, chest thumping desi sons (and daughters)-of-the-soil brethren, here is a low-down of events that took place on November 7th at India Gate, which now firmly establish India as a very tolerant nation:
1) Salman Rushdie launched his new book Saffron Verses. The Hindu Vidyarthi Sena and Jamaat-e-Islami will jointly bear the publishing cost.
2) Anand Patwardhan's film Ram Ke Naam was projected on a gigantic screen spread across the whole of India Gate.
3) L.K. Advani announced the laying of the foundation stone for a Children's Cancer Hospital at the Ayodhya Temple site.
4) MF Hussain's paintings were put up on display. The Shiv Sena was selling discounted reprints at an adjacent stall.
5) A sketching contest for kids took place at Chandni Chowk, organised by the Urdu Patrakar Sangh and judged by Shirin Dalvi. Theme: Cartoons of historical figures.
6) Sanal Edamaruku was felicitated for his exemplary work in debunking superstition and promoting rational thought amongst Christians, by the Catholic Archdiocese of Mumbai.
7) Graham Staines' family (or whatever is left of it), was handed a cheque of Rs. 10 crores by the Bajrang Dal to promote missionary work in India.
8) AIB organised a Roast on religion, with Sadhvi Pragya and Zakir Naik as the roastmasters. A calf tied to the dias was the chief roastee.
9) Section 295A (India's Blasphemy Law) routinely used to silence critics of religious bigotry, was repealed.
10) Sri Ram Sena announced the formation of a new unit of bouncers, who will stand guard at the doors of all pubs and discotheques across the country, in order to ensure that women can party safely till the wee hours, wearing whatever they please.
11) Shobhaa De was declared president of the new 'Association for Promoting Regional Films'. The Shiv Sainiks presented her a lifetime's supply of Misal Pav.
12) My own community was represented by the Kolkata Parsi Punchayet, who commended Snoop Dogg, and gave him an honorary membership to our tribe, in appreciation for his tasteful depiction of Zoroastrian religious icons in a music video.
13) The Oxford University Press was handed an official "request" by Anupam Kher to remove the words pogrom, caste-ism, intolerance, lynching and Saffron terror. Since that which does not exist in India should not have an English word to define it. Non-compliance to the said request will result in the replacement of all Oxford dictionaries with a VHP-compliant edition.
Chetan Bhagat was initially scheduled to give a talk on "How Cramming for the IIT JEE Made me an Expert on Liberalism".
However few hours before the march, Bhagat regretfully announced that he and his privilege will both be unable to make it to India Gate for the event. He was still busy trying to figure out what historians do for a living.
What do historians do? I am genuinely curious. This happened. Then this happened. Then this. Ok work done for the day.
— Chetan Bhagat (@chetan_bhagat) October 30, 2015
Disclaimer: All events and claims made in this article are farcical. Just like Chetan Bhagat's grasp of the Indian sociopolitical environment
