Hamza Ali Abbasi – a non-state actor?

Repentant movie star Hamza Ali Abbasi left his fans bumfuzzled on March 12 when he praised the Afghan Taliban in a Facebook update.

“This is the creepiest thing he has done since that swimming pool scene in a chaddi,” one analyst opined.

Hamza Ali Abbasi is on a break from his acting career these days and is focusing on his new full time job running a social media PR campaign for Hamza Ali Abbasi.

Here is what common Pakistanis say about his new PR disaster:

-“The Taliban are fighting US imperialism hiding in caves in the mountains of Afghanistan. Hamza Ali Abbasi is fighting US imperialism on Facebook living a privileged life in Pakistan. So who is the good Taliban and who is the bad Taliban?” –Bahadur Khan (doctor and part-time mobile-phone repairman)

-“I cannot tell the difference between good Taliban and bad Taliban, but I can sure as hell tell the difference between a good actor and a bad actor.” –Zaibunnisa Zombie (housewife and part-time magician)

-“We cannot allow the India-funded Taliban factions to rape, flog and behead us. We should be raped, flogged and beheaded only by Pakistan-funded Taliban. That would be the best way to defeat America.” Billu Bulldozer (tea boy and amateur wrestler“I know Hamza Ali Abbasi is an actor. But the real question is, is he a state actor or a non-state actor?” –Sameena Sciencedaan (scientist)-“Now the Taliban should go watch Jawani Phir Nahi Aani and trend the Twitter hashtag #thankyouhamzaaliabbasi for that chaddi scene” –Kashif Kainchi (women’s tailor and part-time car mechanic).

-“Wow! If those Afghan Taliban are good fighters, perhaps we could use them to fight our war in Afghanistan? We should try a new strategy of funding, arming and training proxy groups in Afghanistan to fight our war.” –Rana Rungbaaz (Railway engineer and stay-at-home dad)

-“Hamza Ali Abbasi’s statement was very meaningful. I’d definitely want to try the stuff he’s been smoking.” –Tidda Tandoori (Taliban spokesman and founding member of Truck Drivers at Dhabas)

-“We will be able to better fight western imperialism if we convert our own region into a war zone and send millions of refugees to Europe.” –Lateef Lighter (executive chairman of human resource infrastructure development at private wireless engagement company)

-“I use a proxy to trick Netflix into thinking I am an American citizen. Does that make me an imperialist, a good Taliban, or a bad Taliban?”

–Daniyal Donor (development professional and freelance photographer)

-“I have heard that the PTI wants to open a Taliban office in Peshawar. Where should we send a CV in case they might be looking for a computer operator?” –Teetu Tamatar (librarian and part-time assistant archives manager)

-“It is unfair to link Hamza Ali Abbasi to the army and the militants. You can only link him to the police. Moral police.” –Shabnam Shirarty (beautician and dry cleaner)

-“America is our enemy. Afghan Taliban are our friends. Let’s buy those new F16s from the Afghan Taliban and ask them for some coalition support funds.” – Mureed K (citizen from Muridke)

-“He should just take off his shirt and come out of a swimming pool while we film him.” –Naughty Nadeem (human resource manager and video game enthusiast)

-“What the Taliban are doing is not real terrorism. Real terrorism is Hamza Ali Abbasi’s chaddi scene. Thousands of unsuspecting people were terrified when he came out of that swimming pool in those shorts that looked like a diphthong. The entire nation was in shock. My grandfather didn’t have his glasses on. He thought it was Nicole Richie doing a topless scene and reached hurriedly for his spectacles. May his soul rest in eternal peace.” –Hairan Khan (men’s rights activist and part-time women’s rights activist)

-“Hamza Ali Abbasi is the Qandeel Baloch of nationalists.” –Chacha Chokanna (social media enthusiast and stay-at-home grandfather)

-“I want to invoke the new Women’s Protection Act against Hamza Ali Abbasi.” Rani Rabbit (television anchor and part-time news ticker writer)

-“This is what happens when a celebrity struck by his own conscience becomes the conscience of Pakistan. A lot of people go through that change at an age when they begin to realize that Jawani Phir Nahi Aani.” –Maulana Mushkook (rickshaw driver and part-time political analyst)

Harris Bin Munawar

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer. He can be contacted at harris@nyu.edu. Follow him on Twitter 

ePaper - Nawaiwaqt