Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis coined the term, ‘Oedipal complex’ in his theory of psychosexual stages of personality development to explain how a child feels love towards the parent of the opposite sex and anger and resentment towards the same sex parent.
For example, a daughter feeling more attached towards the father and finding herself competing with the mother for father’s attention or a son feeling closer to the mother and contending with the father for mother’s love.
Freud was also famous for coming up with the term ‘daddy issues’ based on his own traumatic relationship with his father, and he believed that complicated hurtful relationships between a son with his father can come in the son’s life in different behaviours and life choices that the son makes.
Whether it’s this theory that explains it or other precipitating factors, a relationship between a father and son is very complex. I have many young male clients who have been wounded because of the dynamic that existed between them and their fathers. They felt misunderstood, suffered from low self esteem, became people pleasers as all their lives they tried to seek approval from their father. They also had greater tendency to suffer from anxiety and depression and chose careers and other pursuits based on what their fathers wanted and not what they wanted. Many never got to know what they wanted and blindly followed their father’s footsteps.
So if we go with what Freud said, there is an unconscious impulse in sons where they might be having conflicting emotions towards the father; a sense of idealisation where they want to be like their fathers and also conflicted with an inherent need to be the man of the house.
What are some of these factors that contribute to this complex dynamic between fathers and sons? One is if it’s an only son. That is a big burden for any son to carry; the weight of the expectations is way too much. ‘tum hi khaandan ke naam ko agay le ker jaao ge’, is such a big statement hidden under what seems like such an honour for the son.
Another factor is when the son is pushed explicitly and implicitly under the guise of motivation since they are young to join the same profession as the father. One son of an army officer will always join the army, or a doctor’s or CSP officer’s son will be in the same profession. What looks like to the outsider is a son idealising the father’s profession and wanting to fill his shoes, but in many cases, it might actually be that young boy’s mind perceiving it as an expectation that he must fulfil to please his father.
And that same profession is such a difficult place to be in especially if the father is a success story. An example is of legendary actor Amitabh Bachchan and his son Abhishek Bachchan where the son I feel is a pretty fine actor but never visible, hidden behind his father’s success. It’s like no one can see him because Amitabh Bachan is larger than life.
So many times, comparisons are drawn between fathers and sons. People are unable to see and understand the son’s journey and struggle independent of the father.
I would invite fathers to be and those who already have sons to start raising their sons as individuals and not see the male child being the scion of family traditions, the caretaker and the one who has no choice but to be the success story.
I have a lot of empathy for men in our society and yes, I believe in women’s equal rights but if there is a feminist movement to support, we always have to see to it that our male-dominated society is also a burden for our men. While we are unhappy at them being given superiority, it’s a heavy price they have to pay for it.